Believer… completely, 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that we are all MUCH more capable and important than we every thought possible.
Writer… blogs, book, articles, complaint letters, etc. It feeds my soul, keeps my train on the tracks and always teaches me something new about myself (even the complaint letters).
Creative Genius… seriously. It’s my thing. Some might call it a gift. I like to take things apart and combine them with other things to create new or different perspectives, ideas or solutions.
Change Agent… I see possibility everywhere. At a pretty early age I began pushing, coaching and encouraging the people I knew (and occasionally those I didn’t) into making positive changes in their lives. Turns out, my toughest client was me.
Intuitive… I know things. Don’t ask me to explain it. I can’t. I just do.
Truth Teller… partner in crime to the intuitive thing. If I know it then I kind of have to say it. It’s not always pretty but it is always necessary. And, yes, the rumor is true – the truth will definitely set you free IF you’re willing to look it in the eye.
Lifelong Student of the Human Experience… most of my work in this area has been of the hands-on variety, and here’s what I’ve learned – every single thing we do – the good, the bad and the ugly (especially the bad and the ugly) is an opportunity to learn or grow or connect. Sometimes you have to squint to see it, but every cloud does indeed have a silver lining.
Ex… government worker, real estate agent, business consultant, corporate trainer, project manager, bartender, telephone operator, pots and pans salesperson, gas station attendant, weight loss counselor, newspaper carrier, etc.
Recovering Malcontent… treatment plan includes not doing things I don’t want to do, having lots of fun and being 100% dedicated to pursuing my dreams.
Sports Fanatic… a side effect of growing up in a house with three men and one TV. It was either watch sports or hang in the kitchen with Mom. I chose the former. Now, I’ve got my own house with three men and four TVs in it, and I’d still rather watch the game. I love the Colts, the Pacers, the Reds, the Hoosiers and Peyton Manning.
Comedian… VERY funny.
Smart Ass… another gift.
Potty Mouth… sometimes there’s just no substitute for a big, juicy F-bomb.
Mid-Westerner… Carmel (by the highway, not the sea), Indiana
Daughter, Sister, Wife, Mother… in that chronological order. Two parents, two younger brothers, one husband, two sons. “Blessed” doesn’t even do it justice.
The Long Story:
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
That’s it. That’s my theme song. It has been for the last ten years, anyway. Before that, my theme song probably sounded more like circus music. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too busy running and keeping as many balls in the air as I could.
I was a bit of a disaster area. Actually, scratch that. I was a major disaster area. I just didn’t look like it. I looked like the American Dream – complete with a beautiful family, a successful real estate career, a big house in the burbs and lots of other material signs of having arrived.
There was just one teeny, tiny little issue … I didn’t feel like I deserved any of it.
This was a problem.
And by the time I understood what a big problem it really was, it was almost too late… I almost lost it all. And worse than that was the realization that the next time or the time after that or somewhere out into the future, I would lose it all. It was a given.
I’d already tried everything there was to try… therapy, self-help, achievement, perfection, external validation… you name it. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake my ingrained belief that I was unworthy.
I could live with that. I’d been doing it my whole life. What I couldn’t live with was the truth that I was never going to get over it. I was no longer simply haunted by my past, now I was also being taunted by my future. I saw the inevitability of my own demise and was forced to admit that I was completely powerless to do anything about it.
That’s what I was. For the first time in my life, I was completely without hope that I could ever or would ever find a way to stop fucking up my life.
It was an excruciating moment that my mind couldn’t really grasp. It tried but after chasing itself around in a circle like a dog after its own tail for several minutes, it collapsed in a heap. Every idea for redemption that sprang up was almost immediately doused with a bucket of cold hard truth, until rational thought finally turned into complete and utter terror.
At that point, the only thing I could do was to surrender and ask for help. So that’s what I did. I gave up. I cried out. I begged someone or something to come to my rescue. And then someone or something showed up and did just that.
What I remember most is the light.
The whole room was shining like the sun on a clear summer day. There was warmth too, a warmth that started in my chest and emanated out in every direction. At first I thought I’d lost my mind… like something had actually snapped and I was no longer firing on all my cylinders. Mostly I didn’t care. I was just grateful to have found some relief.
They say the truth will set you free. After the events of that morning, I understood exactly what that meant. I felt free for the first time in my whole life and knew it was directly related to having seen the truth…. the truth that I was, had been and always would be completely whole, completely perfect and completely loved.
It changed everything. For a few days I walked around like a hippie on acid at a Dead show. I didn’t have a care in the world. I was in love with everything and everyone. Colors looked brighter. Food tasted better. The air smelled sweeter. I felt like the luckiest woman on the planet. It was as if I was seeing my life and everything in it for the very first time. Just the sound of my kids’ voices was enough to bring tears to my eyes. My head was literally in the clouds and I had no desire to return to Earth.
To make matters more interesting, my close encounter of the God kind hadn’t just shown me the truth, it had turned me into some sort of truthometer. I could see beneath the surface of… well… everything. Suddenly, the world had become a hard place for me to be. It was all a little too loud, a little too fast and a little too plastic.
Eventually, my rational mind snapped back into action and began trying to explain and compartmentalize the whole experience. I simultaneously wanted to stay awake and go back to sleep. And so, for a long time I felt like I was fighting two very strong opposing forces.
On one hand my very human, very egoic self needed to be reprogrammed. I’d dug some pretty big holes for myself financially, socially and otherwise. I’d gone to great lengths over the years to create a persona for myself and even in the wake of a rather dramatic spiritual awakening, that persona was still very much alive and kicking. At times I still operated from a position of fear and limitation, and struggled with the desire to turn my big, shiny God moment into yet another quest for power and control and validation.
On the other hand, my spiritual side craved freedom and surrender and a more serendipitous expression. It had instilled in me an almost unquenchable thirst for knowledge and understanding. That opened me up more fully to whole new world of exploration in the areas of intuition, guidance and creativity.
Without really knowing what I was doing, I fed and nurtured both sides of myself. I learned about the inner workings of my mind, let go of old patterns of limited thinking and made peace with my own fearful nature. At the same time, I gave my spiritual side what it wanted – connection, examination, expansion.
In hindsight, the journey makes sense. Along the way, it felt less like a journey and more like a roller coaster ride. I was learning to embody the truth that I’d gotten a glimpse of during that big, shiny God moment years earlier. I was learning how to stay in that place of wholeness and perfection and love. I was learning a new way of being in the world.
I started writing for the first time in my life three years after my awakening, launched a blog and eventually started doing some personal development coaching. I left the spiritual stuff out of my work for a long time. I was still hesitant (read: afraid) to share that part of myself with the world so I kept it separate and hidden. Funny thing about separating yourself into parts… you end up feeling segmented and fragmented. I didn’t want that. I wanted wholeness. I wanted integration. I wanted it all.
Finally, the spiritual side busted the door down on its own. Out of blue, I began having coaching-type conversations with people during which words came out of my mouth that weren’t exactly from me. They were from “somewhere else”. The feeling was phenomenal. Not only was the advice spot on in a way that I could have never hit upon in such a short amount of time, it also felt like being filled to overflowing with pure, unfiltered love straight from the tap.
At first, the whole thing scared the hell out of me. I was just sure that I was going to end up in a tent somewhere wearing a turban and peering into a crystal ball. So I resisted it, denied it, tried to turn a blind eye to it. But you can’t unring a bell. And when you find something that makes you feel like you’re a channel for God’s grace, eventually you have to submit yourself to it. You just do.
Ten years… that’s how long it’s taken me to fully accept the gift that I was given that day. In fairness to me, I had a lot to overcome. God had been kind enough to give me a deep and wide variety of challenges so that I could do this work from a place of empathy and understanding and compassion.
I see you.
I see your struggles, your vulnerabilities, your fears and your burdens. I see how hard you work, how much you try, how difficult it is for you. But I also see you shine. I see how relatively small the gap is between who you think you are and who you long to be. I see your potential. I see your light. I see your truth.
I can help you see it too. Just say the word and I’ll come running
Email … firstname.lastname@example.org