Words

I have a coaching precept that I think might be the only original concept that I came up with on my own. Every other technique I use and theory I subscribe to have, in one way, shape or form, been ripped off from someone else. Oh, I’ve added my own interpretations and ways of explaining them but the truth is, I learned them all from other coaches… save one: my default position theory. To the best of my knowledge, I came up with this on my own. In other words, if I actually did get this from someone else, I no longer have any recollection of that, Senator.

My default position theory is that we all have a base fear from which all other fears originate. It’s the man behind the curtain, so to speak. It’s the thing (lie) that we believe about ourselves and, in turn, try and protect ourselves from at all costs. It’s the scary, tender thought that emerges when we get pushed into a corner. It’s what turns us into an emotional volcano. It was created through intense pain and its job is keep that from ever happening again.

When I coach, my main goal is help my clients identify their default positions so that they can start to see it for what it is… 1) a lie; 2) an obstacle standing between them and the lives they want for themselves; and 3) a lie.

Your default position is not true. It’s an exaggerated version of the pain from which it originated. It’s a reality show that lives in your head, a made-for-TV movie loosely based on a true story. And if you let it, it’ll keep running indefinitely.

It takes work and a bit of courage to identify your default position. It takes even more of both to continue to look for it playing out in your life. Identification is only the first step. The (lifelong) commitment to continue working to keep it in check, is the most important one. There’s little point in finding the boogie man, if you’re just going to put him back under your bed and go back to sleep.

My default position is… NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME.

This was the discovery of a lifetime, my own the world isn’t really flat moment. In the blink of an eye, I realized just how much this belief was dictating my life and keeping me small and stuck and very guarded.

It originated, like all default positions do, from pain. I’m not going to go into all that right now… I’ve written about it before. Knowing where it came from is important but it’s not as important as being committed to looking for where it has currently set up camp in your life. It ain’t going away, folks. That’s the thing you need to know and accept. You can shrink it down to size and control it but you can’t eradicate it completely. It is, for all intents and purposes, your cross to bear.

Its job is to protect you from a repeat performance of what created it in the first place and it will use anything and everything to both make its case and keep you out of what it perceives as harm’s way. It’s like an overbearing mother with paranoid delusions and too much time on her hands.

So last year at this time, when I chose a word of the year for 2011, I chose a word that was specifically designed to challenge my default position: LOVE. When you believe a lie like, nobody cares about me, you have a tendency to adopt a me against the world mentality. And that, my friends, is not real conducive to loving and being loved. I realized that my quality of life, my relationships and the way I felt about and viewed myself were being severely hindered by my reluctance to let my guard down. I didn’t trust anyone to stick around for the long haul, including myself. If I loved too much, I risked too much.

This was no way to love and I knew it. So 2011 was the year that I let my guard down and stepped into my fear that nobody cares about me. And what I learned is that I was right, that belief is entrenched in my psyche. When left unchecked, it completely runs the show. When I am intentional about being aware of it, I can control it. Sometimes, that realization was made before the emotional volcano erupted, sometimes after. There is value in both, by the way. Either way, seeing behind the curtain has been immensely valuable.

I am loved. I am cared for. I am worthy of both. And… just because people don’t do what I expect them to do or act the way I want them to act, doesn’t mean they don’t care about me or love me. It means that, just like me, they’re people – flawed and fucked up but very well-intentioned. And when someone lets me down (myself included), it’s only an indication of that exact same thing… being human.

That’s what this year has taught me. It was a necessary lesson. I haven’t always been patient with having to learn it… it’s not the most action-packed or glamorous mission. It is, however, in my estimation, the one prerequisite for everything else I want in this life. It’s that huge. It’s also not something that I can check off my list and forget about. It will take a continued commitment in order to stay in this place of worthiness.

So that was 2011. What’s next? I’ve been thinking a lot about my word of the year for 2012. At first, I was completely convinced it would be SHINE. I also toyed with the idea of FUN, something that has been in pretty short supply around here this year. Neither of those were quite right, though. One was too obvious, the other too fluffy.

Then this morning, the Note from the Universe showed up in my inbox and delivered a message that brought tears to my eyes…

“… To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity – traits of the immortal – your badges of honor. May you wear them with a pride as great as the immeasurable pride we feel for you…”

Hallmarks of divinity… yeah, I like that. Maybe it’s time to stretch beyond the limits of a mere word of the year. Maybe 2012 warrants a mantra. Maybe, at long last, it’s time to bring it all together… And with that, it was decided. My word mantra of the year for 2012 is:

Give beyond reason, care beyond hope, love without limit; Reach, stretch, and dream in spite of my fears. (Um… just so you know that’s really what it means to shine, by the way. See how things work out?)

I’d love to hear what your word or mantra of the year for 2012 is… leave a comment below!

Happy Holidays, Loves! Make it what you want it to be. You deserve it!

XO – Andrea

Tagged as: barriers, change, dreams, fear, love, word of the year