To all the people that I have turned away from, left, abandoned…
To those that I have kept at an arm’s length distance…
To all the precious friends that I have drawn close and then pushed away…
I am so sorry.
It truly wasn’t you.
It was me.
Relationships scare the hell out of me.
And once I opened my heart to my husband and my kids,
It became (unknowingly) necessary for me to close it off to everyone else.
There was only so much vulnerability I could handle.
And the three of them made me feel vulnerable in a way I never saw coming.
It was too much for me at times…
To the extent that I tried to shut them out too.
They wouldn’t let me.
Or maybe part of me wouldn’t let me.
Whoever it was, I am grateful.
Loving them and allowing them to love me has been the riskiest thing I’ve ever done.
And the most rewarding.
It has demanded that I do something I never wanted to do again…
I trust them.
I trust me.
I trust you.
Grace is a funny thing.
It knows you better than you know yourself.
It knows what you want, what you need and what you came here to do.
You want love.
You need love.
You came here to love.
Everything else is window dressing.
My windows are bare.
The curtains are down and the sashes are open.
I am ready to feel it all…
The sunlight, the rain, the wind and the cold…
The connections, the conversations, the laughter and the fun…
The disagreements, the disappointments, the tragedies and the tears.
I am open.
I am vulnerable.
I am afraid.
I am alive.