I’m a guidance seeker.

I’m constantly on the lookout for answers and signs and messages about what I should be doing with my life.

I want to know what God or the Universe or Whateveryouwanttocallit wants from me.

I want to be used by Spirit as a conduit or a helper or a miracle worker (the everyday variety).

That’s good, right?

There’s just one little problem…

I don’t trust the guidance I receive.

I’m afraid to.

Because in order to trust I’ve got to let go.

And in order to let go I’ve got to trust.

I’m not a very trusting person.

In fact, I’m the opposite of trusting.

I’m non-trusting, suspicious, skeptical.

I’m afraid that if I truly surrender to the Divine, I’ll end up someplace I don’t want to be…

Like on a televangelist talk show or bankruptcy court or America’s Most Unwanted.

I want to be spiritual and cool.

That’s why I stayed Catholic for so long.

Catholics are cool.

It’s like being in a club complete with choreographed dance moves, secret handshakes and beer.

Who wouldn’t want that kind of spirituality in their life?

And why not?

Why do I think that it has to be anything but what I want it to be?

Why do I believe that following guidance or being spiritual is going to lead me somewhere I don’t want to go?

Where did I get the idea that I have to choose God’s will over our my own?

Maybe they’re the same.

Maybe the Universe wants what I want.

Maybe following guidance will take me exactly where I want to go.

I believe this.

I really do.

But I also believe that if I don’t watch my back, protect myself and be very, very careful, I’ll get hurt or rejected or made to look like a fool.

These two sets of beliefs are constantly pulling me back and forth, like a never-ending tug of war.

Sometimes my belief in a kind and loving Universe gets the upper hand for awhile.

Sometimes my belief in my own fears takes control.

The result is a one-step-forward, two-steps-back (and vice versa at times) kind of stuckness…

That’s how I feel…

Like I’m in a perpetual state of limbo.

Am I the only one?

For selfish reasons, I hope not.

But for spiritual reasons, I hope so.

See what I mean?

There’s that dichotomy again!

I don’t want anybody else to struggle but I don’t want to struggle alone.

Anyway, it probably doesn’t matter what I want, in this regard.

The human condition seems to be something I can’t completely control for myself, let alone others.

All I can really do is put myself out there and say, You too?

Then cross my fingers and hope like hell that someone answers back… Yeah. Me too.



The Head and the Heart

August 27, 2014

I asked my head what it wanted, today. “To know,” was his predictable response. Then, I asked my heart. Her answer was better… “I want to be, to grow, to expand, to be set free to love, to share, to connect, to experience, to live.” I like my heart. She’s stronger and braver and smarter […]

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Let’s Kick Cool to the Curb

August 13, 2014

I think I might be done with the word cool. It’s become an arbitrary label and an ever-shifting target that I can never seem to keep up with. What is cool? And who decides these things? The “cool” kids? And if so, who are these cool kids exactly? Did we vote them in? Or were […]

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The Louder Wake Up Call

August 12, 2014

I am uncharacteristically moved by the death of Robin Williams. In fact, I usually scoff at the way people sometimes act when celebrities die. Now, I think I understand. Because this one is different for me. Maybe because he didn’t feel like a celebrity. He felt like one of us. And also because he shined […]

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Morph No More

August 7, 2014

On my About page, I say that I’m not an expert in anything except being me. That’s laughable, when I think about it. Because the truth is I was an expert in being anyone and everyone except me for a very long time. And now I have a business with the tagline “Be Your Whole […]

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Customer Service

August 1, 2014

Two things happened this week that opened my eyes in a big way to a pattern that I didn’t see before now. The first was the launch of a new endeavor. It’s called Do It Yourself Designer and it’s all about sharing my art and design side and helping people get in touch with theirs […]

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As Luck Would Have It

July 24, 2014

“Whenever your perspective on something creates emotional pain, it’s always because your perspective is still so narrow that you’ve yet to see all the good it will make possible.” ~ Mike Dooley, via Notes from the Universe _____________________ Yesterday, my son found out that he has to wear his braces for four to six more […]

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